Queen Drucilla V. and her faithful colony of honey bees are in a peck of trouble. Pollen has become scarce, the worker bees are hungry and part of the beehive is crumbling. To improve their standard of living and to insure that there will be enough food for all throughout the coming winter, Queen Drucilla has decided to allow outside guests to come into the beehive. She wants to interview creatures from other books, worlds away from where she is right now.
Drucilla B. Queen Interviews the Queen of Hearts
Drucilla B. Queen sits on her throne in the royal living quarters of her beehive. She tries to look calm but her advisor Dalton and the twelve bees of court know her too well to be fooled. Drucilla shows her nerves by waving her feelers and straightening her proboscis, only to roll it up again.
Drucilla: Who is our first guest, Dalton?
Dalton (his deep bass voice fills the royal living quarters): Your Majesty, you wished to begin your journalistic career by interviewing another royal figure. I have taken the liberty of inviting another queen. She is the Queen of Hearts from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. I thought the two of you might get along well, your Grace.
Drucilla: I’m sure we will. Bring her in.
Dalton leaves the quarters for a short time and returns leading a strange figure which looks like a card with arms and legs glued to it. Drucilla struggles to contain her laughter.
Dalton: The Queen of Hearts, your Majesty.
A moment later, a white rabbit enters the chamber as well and takes his place to the right of the Queen of Hearts. Together they stomp up to the queen. Dalton quickly takes his place beside Drucilla.
Drucilla (leans toward Dalton and whispers): Is she a playing card?
Dalton: Yes, I suppose she is.
Drucilla: How am I going to interview a playing card?
Dalton: The same way you would interview anyone else, my Queen.
Queen of Hearts: What’s all this whispering, I’d like to know?
Dalton (drawing himself up erect): Please kneel before the queen.
Q of H: Say that again, young man. I couldn’t possibly have heard you right.
Dalton: Kneel before the queen.
Q of H: When pigs fly!
Drucilla and Dalton stare at her open-mouthed.
Q of H: Do allow me to express myself more precisely. If anyone is to kneel before the queen, then you will kneel before me.
Drucilla and Dalton continue to stare at their guest. The twelve ladies of court whisper among themselves.
Q of H: Silence! How dare you speak in my presence!
Drucilla: That’s enough! If anyone reprimands my court, it will be me. Since you are a queen of sorts, I will overlook your refusal to kneel before me. Please take a seat, if you can, and behave yourself.
Q of H (blinking hard at being scolded for the first time in her life): Of course, I can sit down just as well as you. (Her short legs do not reach the floor. She totters dangerously, threatening to fall off the chair.) And what do you mean, I am a queen of sorts? Just what sort of queen do you think I am?
Drucilla (to Dalton): She does know she’s a playing card, doesn’t she?
Dalton: I can’t say, your Highness, but I would not ask her at this moment..
Q of H: Answer my question!
Drucilla (waving her feelers in agitation): What I meant was … you are not a queen bee.
Q of H: I should say not. She looks around the chamber. It is enough to be in this … beehive.
Dalton (whispers to the Queen of Hearts): You shall address her as your Majesty!
Q of H: Young man, if you have something to say to me, then say it out loud!
Drucilla: It’s alright, Dalton. We will overlook that too for today. Madam, I have invited you here today as my special guest because I wanted to hear about your life in Wonderland. I also wanted to know some of your thoughts about being a queen. If you are disturbed by an audience, I will send my advisor, my ladies of court and your … your …
Q of H: White Rabbit, advisor and comrade.
The White Rabbit takes a theatrical bow.
Drucilla: … your White Rabbit away.
Q of H (smiling at everyone in the room): No need for that, I assure you.
Drucilla: By the way, I do not recall inviting him to this interview.
Q of H: You most certainly did not expect me to come alone, did you?
Drucilla (sighs): No, I suppose not. Perhaps this was all a mistake.
Q of H (completely changing her tone): Drucilla, Queen Drucilla, have you ever interviewed anyone before?
Drucilla: No, to be honest, I haven’t.
Q of H: Well, I have never done it before eitherl. If I may say so, I am not even sure what an interview is. I only came because your captain said a queen wished to invite me. There are no other queens in Wonderland and I was very curious to meet you.
Drucilla (smiles for the first time that day): Dear Hearts! My captain has made an excellent choicel
Q of H: No one has ever called me that before. No one in Wonderland has ever given me a nickname, not to my face anyway. I hate to think what they call me outside of my court.
Drucilla: Now, it can’t be all that bad, can it?
Q of H: I hate to disappoint you, but I’m probably not what you would consider a good queen.
Drucilla: Why do you say that, Hearts?
Q of H: Well, I do order people’s heads to be chopped off more than I should.
Drucilla (laughs heartily): Oh, Hearts! I didn’t expect you to have such a sense of humor.
Q of H: I don’t.
Drucilla (chokes): But you don’t really have people’s heads chopped off … do you?
Q of H: Don’t you?
Drucilla: Well, I suppose I do threaten some of my subjects with the death penalty, but I always find an excuse not to follow through with it.
Q of H: Why?
Drucilla: Because it would mean killing one of my subjects.
Q of H: Yes, that’s the point.
Drucilla: I can’t do that. I am supposed to protect them, not kill them.
Q of H: What an odd thought!
Drucilla: How can you kill your own children?
Q of H: My children? They’re not my children!
Drucilla: I am the mother of all my subjects.
The two queens gaze at each other in silence.
Q of H: Just how many children do you have?
Drucilla (counting to herself): About twelve hundred, I should say.
Q of H: My, my, we are a busy bee, aren’t we?
Drucilla (waving her feelers): Let’s get back to the interview, Hearts.
Q of H (bored): If we must.
Drucilla: Why don’t you tell me about a normal day as the Queen of Hearts?
Q of H: Well, I can hardly tell you about any other kind of day. But as you like, Drucilla dear. Let’s see. I get up around eleven o’clock in the morning then have a leisurely breakfast. After that, the subjects who have business with me come to my court. About half of them get their heads chopped off which is rather amusing. When that is finished, it’s time for my nap. Refreshed, I have a gorgeous dinner. My court jesters and guards provide the evening’s entertainment before I head off to bed for a good night’s sleep. Altogether a perfect day, I would say.
During this monologue, Drucilla opens her mouth several times to speak but closes it again. She looks to Dalton, who is extremely pale and finds no words to advise her. Help finally comes from the White Rabbit who simply holds his pocket watch under the Queen of Hearts’ nose.
Q of H: Drucilla, my dear, I simply loved this interview. We have to do it again sometime. But right now, I have an urgent appointment elsewhere. No need to escort me out. I’ll find the exit.
The Queen of Hearts leaps to her feet and trots on her spindly legs through the beehive to the main entrance with the White Rabbit and one of Dalton’s trusted guards following in her wake.
Drucilla: Well, she’s quite a character, isn’t she? Always joking about chopping off heads! I think it went rather well for our first interview. What do you think, Dalton?
The captain of the Royal Guard lies on the floor in a dead faint.
Drucilla (looking down at him): Sometimes drones just don’t understand what it means to be a queen. (Observing the swooning ladies of court) Nor does anyone else, for that matter.
End of Interview
