A Queenly View of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

by Lewis Carroll, MacMillan & Co., 1865.

This is the part where I finally get to express my opinion about my guest and her home. I already had this part finished last week, when a tiny, little problem cropped up. Dalton told me I have to read the book before I can review it. I asked him if I had to read the whole thing or if it was enough, only to read the parts where the Queen of Hearts plays a role. He said I have to read it all. Personally, I can’t imagine why. After all, this is my opinion about a book, it’s not a school project. Dalton claims there needs to be some kind of structure to my reviews. I am supposed to say what the book is about before I am allowed to pass judgement on it. How very tedious! To tell you the truth, if I had known the amount of work involved in this column, I never would have started it in the first place. In my opinion, Dalton would be a much better person to take care of this kind of business. He has read just about everything that has been written. He could write the reviews, and I could just sign them. Nothing easier than that. Unfortunately, Dalton sees this a bit differently. He argues that: 1) he could not express himself nearly as well as I could, and 2) it would not be quite honest. The Queen, he explained, must be impeccably honest at all times. I wonder what the Queen of Hearts would say to that. Most likely, she’d have his head chopped off. Ha-ha! Good old Hearts and her chopped off heads! She does have a sense of humor, even if she won’t admit it. 

The Queenly Opinion

Just for the record, I want you to know I read all of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland from cover to cover, but I can’t say I found much pleasure in it. The story is not even about the Queen of Hearts! Can you believe it? She only turns up for a short role toward the end of the book. Why, that White Rabbit of hers has a bigger role than Hearts. Why on earth did I even interview her?

The story’s actually about some little chit named Alice who apparently dreamed everything. I mean, who cares about her? She’s a nobody! She is utterly obsessed with her size and takes all kinds of questionable substances to change it again and again. How odd! When she’s not busy up-sizing or down-sizing herself, she runs all over the place meeting the nuttiest bunch of beings anyone could ever imagine. I  could barely keep track of all of them. Who on earth has ever heard of a Mad Hatter and a March Hare having a tea party? Queens have tea parties, and queenly tea parties are important events, let me tell you. We don’t invite just any old riff-raff. And we certainly do not entertain ourselves by playing croquet with hedgehogs and flamingos. That’s just plain nonsense! Hearts should know better than that. I can only think that the King of Hearts is to blame for her unqueenly behavior. Where did they get him anyway? He probably doesn’t even know what a tea party is! Everything would be better if he would stop interfering with Hearts’ work. I was utterly appalled when that king pardoned all the subjects Hearts had condemned to death. Every last one of them! With that man constantly by her side, I can see why she feels like chopping off a few heads now and then. Thanks heavens, Dalton never wanted to be a king! That is one drone who knows his place in the world. But I digress.

Dalton says I am supposed to give my opinion on the book now. What on earth does he think I’ve been doing for the last hour? I suppose it’s a nice book if you like to read about rebellious little chits who cross their queens. But if you ask me, the story would improve dramatically if the main character were switched from Alice to the Queen of Hearts. On top of that, I would cut out about half of those other figures who only regurgitate nonsense. Then we would have a much nicer story. So that’s all I have to say. It wasn’t so bad for my first review. I do think I’m getting the hang of it.

The Verdict

This is Drucilla B. Queen signing off from the royal … wait a minute! Dalton says I need to rate the book too. Oh, what a bother! I think I’ll let Dalton and my twelve ladies of court rate the books. After all, if I have to read them, they have to read them too. I’m sure they will agree with my critique. I just hope this doesn’t take too long.

Here is their verdict. All of my court bees and Dalton have voted in favor of this book. What? All of them? Didn’t they hear anything I just said? Dalton says they all found the story amusing, an absolute classic. Can you believe it? They don’t care a hoot about Hearts. Dalton says they found Alice much nicer than a queen who only ran around chopping off people’s heads. I reminded them that Hearts was only joking with that line. Dalton insisted she was not. Well, that’s what you get when you let your underlings vote for you. I guess I can’t change it now.

That’s thirteen bees for the book, none against it … except the queen!

Author: Robbie West

I was born quite a long time ago on the Mississippi River, in the Quad-Cities, to be exact. I have since traded in the Mississippi for the Moselle in Germany, but I can hardly imagine not living near water. I am by nature a writer. I love to put words together that make an impact, conjure up a dream or cause a tear to roll down a cheek. It is the one clear talent I have brought to the world.