The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum, Geo M. Hill Co., New York, 1900.
A royal review by Drucilla B. Queen
I had read this book and written the entire review a week ago. I thought I was all set. The little orphan girl, Dorothy, battles the wicked old witch and finds her way back home again. There, she learns to appreciate her family, even when it is not quite the one she wanted. After her “tornado tour”, she realizes that her aunt and uncle would miss her terribly, even it they have a little trouble showing it. That’s what Dorothy needs to know. That’s what anyone needs to know. I wonder if Dalton would miss me. And my ladies of court, who smile at me so sweetly in the royal living quarters? I have no doubt they would be the ones singing “Ding-dong, the witch is dead”! Dalton might not join in, but he probably wouldn’t stop them. And all I ever wanted to do was to take good care of them. Well, Kansas is starting to look like a down-right paradise. But I digress.
Outrage
What should I do about Helen? I can hardly promote a book that is nothing but a pack of lies, no matter how much I was rooting for Dorothy to go home again. That monster Glinda had me sucked in from the very beginning. She’s a master of manipulation, with her sparkling white gown and her golden locks – the purest of the pure. Why can’t someone with black hair and green skin have a pure heart? And Glinda caused so much pain and heartache only because she wanted a pair of ruby slippers that didn’t belong to her. They should have been buried them the dead witch, if you want to know my opinion.
Fooled and Fooled Again
I was ready to rip this book apart, when Dalton told me he thinks Helen is the master of manipulation here. He pointed out that she made no use of our shrinking machine. She can shrink herself. Nestina of my court reported that Helen definitely had a wart on her nose when she entered my chamber. I argued that her hat was pulled so far down over her face Nestina could not possibly have seen her nose clearly. But she claimed she did and Galia, another bee in my court, backed her up. Apparently, she saw the wart too. This evidence supports the theory that Helen is quite capable of making herself look younger and more beautiful the she really is. That may well be, but what does that have to do with her being mobbed? Which witch is telling the truth? Galia pointed out something I had not thought of. She said, if Helen were trying to help poor Dorothy, why would the scarecrow, the tin woodsman and the cowardly lion have to break into her castle to free the little girl. She never would have been locked up in the first place. I wish she had asked Helen this question. But of course, I had forbidden my ladies of court to ask any questions during my interviews. I might change that policy.
The Joke’s On Me
I tried to defend Helen one last time. I asked my court why would she have a boyfriend if she were so mean and ugly. And get this! They actually laughed at me! They are still laughing … laughing at their queen. If they were not my daughters, I would chop each and every one of their heads off. Galia was bold enough to tell me anyone could have made up such a story.
Verdict
I have decided to have this book and all of our copies taken out to the meadow to be burned. Again, Dalton prevents this by telling me I agreed to review the book, so now I am obligated. I counter by telling him that he and the court must decide. I wash my forefeet of the whole thing.
Counting the votes, there were seven bees in favor of the book entitled the Wizard of Oz, and six bees against it. I was shaken to the tip of my stinger! Well, I decided to take back my right to vote. I say NO.
With seven bees for it and seven bees against it, it’s a stalemate. This book does not get our approval.
